The Drama Triangle in Life and Business
In recent weeks, I have noticed the same pattern several times while working with clients. And it’s not because they were the same. Quite the opposite. Each came with a completely different story.
One was exhausted from constantly taking care of others and had no energy left for herself. Another felt that her situation had no solution. A third was full of anger towards the people around her, who, in her view, were preventing her from living the life she wanted.
And yet the same diagram helped all of them. When I drew it on a piece of paper, it was often followed by a long silence. And then came the words: “Wait… that’s me.”
The Drama Triangle
Psychologist Stephen Karpman developed a model known as the Drama Triangle.
It contains three roles:
Victim – “I have no choice.”
Rescuer – “I’ll take care of it.”
Persecutor – “It’s your fault.”
These are roles we tend to slip into during times of stress, uncertainty, or overwhelm. And do you know what’s interesting? Most of us move through all three roles within a single day.
In the morning, we rescue a colleague. In the afternoon, we feel like a victim of circumstances. In the evening, we criticise our partner, our children, or ourselves. And the next day, we start all over again.
Roles That Once Helped Us
In therapy, we do not try to judge these roles. Quite the opposite. We are interested in why they developed. Because each of them once helped us survive.
Perhaps you learned to be kind and take care of others in order to be loved. Or perhaps you learned not to show your vulnerability.
Or maybe you learned to be strong and critical because it was not safe to be vulnerable in your world.
These strategies are not wrong. But very often they begin to hold us back in adulthood, especially when we want to make a significant change. Leave a corporate job. Start a business. Raise our prices. Ask for help. Or set a healthy boundary.
The Good News: There Is a Way Out
What fascinates me most about this model is not the Drama Triangle itself. It is what comes next. Because above it sits another triangle: the Empowerment Dynamic. It shows us how each role can be transformed.
Victim → Creator
The Victim asks: “Why is this happening to me?”
The Creator asks: “What do I want to create?”
This does not mean denying pain. It does not mean pretending that everything is fine. It means stopping the habit of focusing all our energy on the problem and beginning to look for the next step.
Not: “I can’t leave my job.”
But: “What would need to happen for that to become possible one day?”
This is where change begins.
Rescuer → Coach
This is the role I see most often in women. We help, listen, organise, and solve problems. In doing so, we keep the world together. And then we are surprised that we feel exhausted.
A Coach does not do things for other people. A Coach trusts that the other person has the ability to find their own way.
Instead of: “I’ll help you.”
The question becomes: “How would you like to do it?”
Can you feel the subtle difference?
Because that subtle difference can transform an entire relationship: with a partner, with children, with clients, and also the relationship each of us has with ourselves.
Persecutor → Challenger
The Persecutor criticises. The Challenger supports growth.
Instead of saying: “You’re doing this wrong.”
The Challenger says: “I think you’re capable of more than you realise.”
And this is often where healthy anger lives. Not the kind of anger that destroys, but the kind that says: “I don’t want this anymore.”
And it is this anger that gives us the energy to change.
What Does This Have to Do with Business?
More than it may seem at first glance. Women often join my From Corporate to Personal Brand programme believing that what they need is something different: better marketing, a clearer offer, or more clients.
But after some time, they discover something surprising. The biggest obstacle is not the marketing. It is not the offer. It is the pattern.
The pattern that says:
- “I’m not ready yet.”
- “First, I need to help everyone else.”
- “I’ll start when I feel certain.”
- “I’ll put myself out there when I’m perfect.”
But certainty does not come before action. It comes after it.
And so, little by little, we learn to move from the role:
- of Victim to Creator
- from Rescuer to Coach
- from Persecutor to Challenger.
Not in pursuit of perfection, but in pursuit of greater freedom.
Because the moment we stop looking for someone to blame, stop trying to rescue the whole world, or stop waiting for circumstances to change, something very important appears: The possibility of choice.
And in my experience, that is where real change begins.